The Anger Inside

Whats it like to not be mad every day? I do not know the answer to this question. I wouldn’t say I have an anger issue….. but I wouldn’t be the best person to judge this.

I grew up with mad as the norm. Walking on eggshells all day waiting for the explosion, it always came. This was my at home example of how to act.

As a teen I exploded on other people constantly. Compensating for feelings of sham for not being cool enough, smart enough, strong enough to be a decent person.

I am now a mad adult, wife and mother. Mad at work, in the car, at home, at my husband…….. at my sweet little girl.

I say things that cut deep because deep down I’m not big enough to use my words like an adult. In my mind its unfair, I’m justified in my feelings, and I have gone from 0 to 100000 in a few second. A few seconds after that its coming out of my mouth.

Trying to take those words and screaming back is the worst part. I apologize to my husband, but how long will I be forgiven? When will the final word cut deep enough that its to much?

When your daughter says “mommy, be happy to me”, and still not being able to stop.

When the stranger at the store calls you a little bitch under her breath because you freaked out in the check out line.

When your server becomes visibly upset because you can’t let go of being served what you consider improperly.

When your husband asks stop yelling and cussing  at him in front of the baby and you cuss him out harder.

Small examples of my struggle. Now some of you are obviously thinking, GROW UP, you are a mean person, you need to control yourself, you are in fact just a jerk.

I know.

It is a rage that is so uncontrollable. So familiar to how my dad was that I am deeply shamed. Part of posting this is to get it out. To look at it on a screen and to type the words helps me be more aware of how ridiculous and out of control I can get.

I wrote this post because, today, I haven’t been mad  all day and it made me actually pause and think about it.

Do you struggle with anger / undesirable actions?