Birth and Death.

My moms sister passed away yesterday morning. She had been at hopice and then taken home for her final hours earthside. One of the hopice nurses explained death as another form of birth.

No one can tell you what it is like, you just have to do it. The body knows what to do, you just have to trust it. Those there to help are there to help you overcome fear and pain.

This could be used to describe birth and death.

They usally both take some time, some pain, some fear and a final outcome. They both happened to every single person. They both have an element of the unknown.

I miss her terribly already and am in a stage of grief that makes it seem so unfair.  Its not fair.



Moving to Florida from Oregon the year I turned 14 was one of the Hardest things I have ever done. At that age your friends are your world. Leaving them all behind with no real plans of ever returning was so painful. I was not just leaving my friends behind, I was leaving my life behind. The Pacific North West is much MUCH different than The East Coast. I had lived in the same town my whole life and it was a small college town. Liberal ideas and free spirits, freedom to roam the downtown area, the safety of knowing every single person since you were 2 or so.

One thing kept me tied to my past and helped me through some rough times. Letters.

Boxes of my Past

Boxes of my Past

I have carried these boxes around for nearly 15 years. Not all of them. As I received more letters I had to add boxes. Some have every birthday card I have gotten since age 12. A few are from Prison when one of my friends was doing his time. All of my baby shower cards, Harper’s 1st and 2nd birthday cards, romantic cards to and from my husband. But most of them are from one person.


Before I moved to Florida, I got in a bit of trouble…. as teenagers do. I had a really over reactive   Protective mother who grounded me for a year, starting 3 months before I moved. This was not done to hurt me at the time, I was totally starting my pattern of being out of control. She was just trying to Protect me. My friend started writing me letters then, starting in 1999 (though I have school notes from her as far back as 1998)


Through these letters, she has kept me connected to where I come from, comforted me, letting me know she loves me and that we will always be friends. Though these letters, we have had boyfriends, heartbreaks, moves, losses, weddings, name changes, children, home ownership, stress and life.


They have contained art, laughs, surprises, gifts and once a lock of her deep blue hair. (I still have it, yes I know its creepy!)


In between the letters have been countless packages for all occasions, but mostly just because. I still have the Punk/Ska mixed tape play list. I have no idea what happened to the tape, but when I hear any of the 50 or so songs from this tape, it brings me back!

Some times letters come every week, sometimes months go by. My favorite thing is to open the mail box and see that familiar handwriting.


These letters mean so much to me for so many reasons. This is a part of my history. The other half is with her. I will have these for the rest of my life and one day my kid might be interested in them enough to go through them. And long after I am gone it will be a link to my past. Her and I both have Facebook, email, phones…. we never stopped writing letters.

(though you can see some of the addresses written on the letters, neither of us live at any of those you can read)

Do you have something that is a link to your past? Something that brings you “Home” or a collection that you treasure?

Hair Cut and the Future

Its a new year. Time for new things.

Harper, my almost 3 year old, finally got her first hair cut on Saturday. She still has that fine, thin baby hair. Its gold and dirty blond and ALWAYS in her face. Nothing except tiny rubber bands work to hold it back and I can never put it back in a way that looks good. It always looks like a drunk has done her hair. Anyways, my husband made an off handed comment to her about getting her hair cut. OK! she said. I called and made an appointment, letting the girl on the phone know that this was her FIRST hair cut ever. On the way we discussed how it would not hurt, how it is not scary, how the lady is as Harper puts it “a good guy”, and that I will be right there with her. She did so good.  She didn’t cry, or ask to stop. At almost the end she told me “I’m all done mama.” Jess clipped a little curl off the the back and placed it in a bag for me… I totally forgot you are supposed to save a lock of hair. I was just so happy that Harper was not screaming, as she tends to do in new situations that I have failed to explain to her. Her hair is now out of her face and adorable.

This weekend we also worked on going to the bathroom in the toilet and not in her pants. Potty Training, Potty Learning, we call it Potty Time. We tried this several months ago. She seamed interested and was sitting on her little potty once in a while and going. I think mostly because she had no pants on anyways and sat down and just ended up going. We bought her underpants and a tiny toilet seat that attaches to the regular adult potty. It didn’t really take that time. My mother in law watches her when both my husband and I work. she bought a little potty seat and used some bribery. M&Ms…. Once Harper realized she was not going to get a “Special Treat” every time she sat her butt on the toilet, weather she went or not, she was done with the whole thing. She kept peeing in her pants and on the couch and floor. We went back to diapers. This weekend I came up with a bit of bribery myself. Each time you go potty in the big potty you get a sticker. When you get 5 stickers you get an Organic, GMO free, SUPER hippie Lolly pop. “OK!” and it worked. I ask her to go first thing in the morning. Then I leave her diaper off but pull her pajama pants back on. She usually pees a little in them, then tells me “I peed in my PANTS” and does the rest on the potty. Shes weird about poop and tells me not to smell her when shes going… This is how I know shes going. I’m hoping that she will start telling us when she has to go, poop diapers at this stage are just not fun. She had earned one lolly pop so far and didn’t finish it, her hands got to sticky and she aint cool with that.  So hears to hoping my kid will soon be joining the rest of the adults on the big potty this year.

As for me I am going back to school this year. This is the last year I will be in my 20s. This year I am facing my first loss of a family member whom I am very close to. I don’t know what any of these experiences will do to me. I am sure all of them will change me forever.  I will gain knowledge and hopefully help my family be better off, I will gain wisdom from age and will endure the greatest heartbreak of my life. This time next year they will all be in the past and I will be facing new life changing events. Here is to the future.

Im no good at this

I am not a good blogger. For some reason I thought that I would have time to actually sit down and write out my thoughts. HA!

I started this blog in the first place to write about mothering in an honest and judgment free zone. I cant post the things I want on Facebook for fear of people arguing with me. I am not a good arguer. I get emotional and flustered and want to tell every one to just fuck off!

Then I do as I always do with every thing I love. I stop. I stop because I lack the discipline to sit down and do anything for 5 minutes with out my mind wondering and getting distracted.

I didn’t make a resolution for 2014, as I never follow through. But I am going to try to do this more.

To who ever is following this blog, Thank you. I always fear no one cares what I have to say, that I have nothing to say. But usually when I do say it some one likes it =)