An Awkward Interest

I have always been drawn to documentaries, biographys and historical fiction. In a way it lets me live someone else’s life for the duration of the film or book.

 When I was growing up, as a means of escape, I would imagine an elaborate fantasy life. I had a few I would go back to over and over and new ones would pop up, so I could BE someone else. 

Once I learned to read, I would let stories take me away. And wish every night I could run away and become part of the stories.

 Reading stories about princesses and shit is fine and dandy, but reading someones true story is what captives me completely.

I find that I am drawn to biographys and historical fictions about women who have suffered and overcome unimaginable atrocities. Like the Jaycee Lee Dugard story or Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See. Sometimes I have to put down a book like those and just breath. Collect my self and wrap my brain around horrific acts people can do to one another. 

The same goes for documentaries. My old favorites were anything to do with animals. It was the Earthlings documentary, after all, that opened my eyes to what a Factory Farm was. 

My recent favorites are those that have anything to do with the struggle of LGBT&Q community. Particularly if it has to do with religion. For the Bible Tells Me So deals with children (some adults) coming out to their over the top religious families, the challenges and losses they face and unexpected outcomes. Its beautiful, sad and worth the watch. Fall From Grace follows both sides of the fight between. The people of Topeka and the Westburough Baptist Church. It is by far one of the most disturbing things I have seen. 

I watch and read these people’s stories from a white, straight and by some accounts privileged, point of view. I will never have my feet bound and sold to a husband. I was not kidnapped and sexually abused for years. I do not fight for my life to not be eaten, because I just taste so good. I do not have to prove myself or fight laws to be with, marry and have children with the person I love.

I hace tried to share some of this with friends and family. Mostly I am met with indifference or “I could never watch that”. I will admit its difficult to stomach some of the harsh realities of our world, past and present. I feel it is necessary, for me, to know about these things.

Sometimes I escape my life to be someone else, and when I get back my life seems pretty good.

What is your favorite documentary, biography or historical fiction? Did it change your life?

An Awkward Mother.



Time. Its my worst enemy! I’m always out of it, in need of more of it and can never get back the time that I have lost. I’m also super good at wasting it. I’m a distracted person and really welcome distraction to avoid doing other more important things. I put off house work to craft, I put off home work to clean and I put off crafting when I must do homework. All of my life I have wished I could go back in time. To fix the mistakes of a choice  that turned out so, so bad. But than I would not be who I am today right? I would be better! Or maybe not..
Guilt plays a roll in how I spend my time. I’m away from my daughter 9 – 13 hours a day and when I do have “free time“, I feel obligated to give it all to her. But than the distraction kicks in. I’m playing with her, but folding laundry. Bathing her in the left side of the sink, washing dishes in the right side of the sink. I hear her call for me 100 times a day to “play toys” and “run together”. Mama has to finish the dishes, mama had to put away the laundry, mama has to get ready for work, mama has to cook dinner, mama doesn’t want to to….
I need a good balance. A schedule of time to follow. I need to give my 100% or at least 85% to one task at a time instead of 10% to 5 things that do not get done. Or at least if they do get done, they do so poorly.
For now I will just work on quality time. Giving my all, or most, to one thing at a time. Letting my mind restfrom the ever powerful feeling that I need to be doing something to prove my worth to my self.
An Awkward Mother.
How do you manage your time? Leave a comment!

Revisiting My First Post and a Disclaimer

My first post was fueled by anger and irritation. A silly Facebook meme that condones hitting children and how it is perfectly ok. I wrote a heated and emotional rebuttal and really did not pay attention to spelling and grammar. I posted it to Facebook and was torn apart by someone I don’t really know all that well. A friend of a friends husband decided to tell me how much he disagreed with my view, which is ok, than offered to edit my post for me because it was almost unintelligible. I feel like he threw in the offer to hurt and embarrass me because my position on hitting children offended him. This caused deep shame in my ability to have a blog and articulate my feelings. which is the exact opposite of why is stated this blog. So I reached out to my Instagram Community and pleaded for an editor. A very nice woman that I follow offered to edit my post for me and did so for all of the post except this one.

This is where my disclaimer comes in. Writing a post, emailing it to some one and waiting for it to be sent back is breaking the flow of my thoughts. I need to be able to write as I think and get it on the blog ASAP! My editor has done a wonderful job =) I am truly grateful that someone stepped up and offered help at my desperate pleas. But like I said, its breaking my flow. So as of now I will no longer have my posts edited. If grammar and punctuation are a problem for you as far as reading my posts, feel free to unsubscribe or un-follow to them. Grammar, punctuation and basic  math have always been a really problem for me my whole life. I will not let that stop me from doing what I want to do. So you can take it or leave it. (And thank you for taking it!!)

An Awkward Mother

Thoughts about this post? Please leave a comment!!